Coldplay… meet Rahul Sharma

To be honest, no one will ever know what makes me me. That’s the problem I face by being an introvert. I’ve tried to overcome introvertedness in many ways. Ultimately, I find myself going back to that same old shell where I find comfort, which is in itself a big maze. The shell makes me feel like the way Siddhartha felt when he worked with Vasudeva, as an oarsman: someone who was constantly learning. (Read Herman Hesse’s Siddhartha if you haven’t got a clue about what I’m saying)

While I was I school, I had a few crushes and I failed to talk about them to anyone. To this day, I will have a really really tough time telling someone that I like them. Now, there are even more complications involved. Self-awareness, I would say, has become my worst nightmare. Not that it has hurt me in anyway, but it has also prevented me from moving forward. Tonight, while I stare at the ceiling before falling asleep, I am putting myself through some Viva La Vida and Destinations. They are vastly different styles of music yet they are a part of what makes me me. To this day, I can’t say that I’ve had something that has been a constant that I can turn to; to make my thoughts come to order; to bring some order to chaos. Because of music, I can calm myself down a little and drive some thoughts out. After all, its all about control. The problem is that the brain is the hardest part to control. It just confuses you sometimes. Makes you question many things. Why? Why me? That sort of thing.

A few years ago, I heard Rahul Sharma for the first time. The track is called Destinations. It was so beautifully done. I felt as if it was something tailored to my needs. I had never felt so comforted. I used to be very bollywoody for most of my life, but it never grew on me, instead I grew out of it. In my transition period, I could not figure out what to do to calm myself down. Now, its easier, thanks to Rahul Sharma.

The other day, I saw “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind.” If you haven’t seen it, rent it and spend some two hours of your time. But be prepared to put some brain into it. I’m not going to say what its about but I will say that it was a pleasant (and not so pleasant also) walk down memory lane. It just made me wonder why I still haven’t been able to properly break my introvertedness. I realized that I was in a relationship where I needed to constantly say how I feel. Sometimes, that’s just not the right kind of attention. Communication between two people is a lot about understanding and accepting the reality, and some of these abilities don’t just develop by themselves, they require proper guidance.

The way I see it now, we introverts are sometimes just afraid of what happens when we put our words out there for everyone to see. Its like a struggle, a fear of disappointment, rejection, failure. So in a sense, as long as our words are just ours, we are fully in control and no one can take them away from us. As soon as they are out, we are left exposed, and that makes us vulnerable. And sometimes, we just don’t want to get hurt. So with that, we build dreams based on whats in our head. Its like being high without taking any drugs. But reality always keeps you in check and sooner or later, you face the music.

And to sometimes sort out whats real and whats surreal, I rely on my Destinations… and now it has a new friend… its name is Coldplay. Thats how I “face the music.”